The Eddie and Emmett Adventures
by thissuperficialhypocrisy
Summary: Based after BD. Series of one shots that revolve around the... 'Wonderful' world of the Cullen boys Edward and Emmett aswell as their pairings. More than likely OOC. R&R!
1. Adventure 1: 'The Talk'

**Yep. Boredom does weird things to ya.**

**I was on Skype with my friends talking about humour fanfics when this idea came into my head. COMPLETELY Stupid but it works xD**

**So if this works out well, I might have to create "The Eddie and Emmett Adventures"! Sounds like fun as I've always wanted to write a Crackfic :P**

**Enjoy! Make sure to review at the end on your opinions and gimme any ideas :D**

* * *

_Adventure 1: 'The Talk'_

Edward was standing in the kitchen, reading a book about Kama Sutra in confusion.

"How can people be so flexible?" he mumbled, turning a book around to see the demonstration of 'the spitfire'.

Emmett walked into the room, a packet of Oreos clenched in his hand that he took away from Renesmee, who was screaming in the front living room, to investigate. He sniffed them, staring at the circular cookie with disgust before licking it and placing it back in the foil. His face scrunched up and he threw the packet into the bin, cheering when it got inside the barrel and made a satisfying clunking sound. Then Emmett turned to look at Edward, resting his arms on the countertop in the centre of the kitchen and staring at Edward.

"Edward. What 'cha reading?" He asked curiously as Edward turned bright red at being caught. He thought that asking the book out of the library was bad enough then he didn't know how bad this would be.

"Nothing!" He shouted, attempting to hide the book in the bread bin a few feet away from him.

"Ka- Cam- Karma Sultana? Is that an Indian cook book or something?" Emmett pressed on.

"No, it's Kama sutra." Edward mumbled quietly.

"What? I didn't hear you there."

"Kama Sutra" he said a bit louder.

Emmett ran back in, stopping where he was before and getting into the same position to look like he was there the whole time. "Say what? I didn't catch that."

"KAMA SUTRA GODDAMMIT!" Edward yelled, clenching his fists in anger as the whole house became quiet. Carlisle and Esme, who were walking into the kitchen at the moment, turned around and walked the other way out.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHH" Emmett boomed half understanding before looking confused again, "What's that?"

Sighing, Edward waited until the house was loud enough before starting to explain it. "Its Sexual positions. Surely you and Rose would know that by now."

Emmett looked at him again, yet again curious. " So, what is this 'sex' business that everyone is going on about?"

Edward turned to look at him shocked. He couldn't really be _that_ stupid, right?

"Emmett, you and rose have sex all the time, and you don't even know what it is?!" Edward asked astounded as Emmett shook his head.

"Nah, we played wormies." he explained casually as he swirled a straw around a tall glass of chocolate milkshake that just appeared.

"What the hell is Wormies? And how did you get that Milkshake so quickly?" Edward asked confused and irritated at the same time.

"Ah, you and Bella play wormies all the time!" Emmett explained as he slurped his milkshake loudly, another one magically appearing in front of both him and Edward.

Edward sat down, his face red with looking red as he tried to ignore the last statement and looked at his milkshake, pushing it away before looking at Emmett. "Emmett, that's sex. And you do know that it's impossible for us Vampires to drink this crap."

Emmett suddenly stopped drinking, looking at Edward angrily. "No, it's wormies."

"Sex."

"Wormies."

"Sex."

"Wormies."

"_Sex_"

"_Wormies_"

"IT'S FREAKIN' SEX, OK?!" And for the second time today the house became quiet. Alice and Jasper had just returned hunting and quickly ran out of the kitchen.

Edward really wasn't in the mood to deal with Emmett. The best thing he decided to do was attempt to teach Emmett about sex, so quickly he ran to the fruit bowl in the kitchen and grabbed a Banana before running to the Cupboards and grabbing a bagel.

"OK, Emmett. Listen up. I'm going to tell you a story." He started, hiding his 'equipment' behind his back and looking at Emmett who pushed his Milkshake away and looked at Edward intensively.

"So, this is the story of – "

"Emmett and Rosalie?" Emmett asked, tilting his head to the side.

_Anything that gets him listening_ Edward complained. "OK, Emmett and Rosalie it is. Once upon a time – "

"In SPORKS!"

"Emmett, we live in Forks."

"Oh..."

"Anyway, once upon a time in FORKS, Emmett and Rosalie got bored. They decided to go upstairs in the bedroom. I'm not going to explain what happens in detail – "

"Why not?!" Emmett complained, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

"Because it's Awkward! So, I'm going to show you. You are this – " Edward pulls the Banana out of his left hand and shakes it, "And this is Rosalie" he does the same with the bagel.

"So what happens," Edward held up his hands embarrassed, "is you – " he holds up the banana " go through here." Edward placed the banana through the centre of the Bagel before repeating "In, and Out" a few times.

At the same time, Renesmee had been complaining to Bella about Emmett taking her Oreos. Sighing, she cradled Renesmee in her arms and made her way into the Kitchen.

"Emmett, do you know anything about-" Bella froze at seeing her husband thrusting a banana through a bagel and Emmett watching with interest. Renesmee looked at them in shock, her mouth open and her hand placed on Bella's neck. Bella gasped at seeing the Image embedded in her daughters mind and quickly walked out of the room.

Edward, not taking notice of Bella and Renesmee being in his presence, stopped the hot banana-bagel action and looked at Emmett. "Do you get it now?"

Emmett looked at him. "So, I'm the banana?"

"No, your *cough* is the banana."

He looked at his pants, "So _this_ is a banana. Does that mean men grow on trees?"

"What? Emmett don't be – "

"So Monkeys pick us off trees because they love bananas?"

"Emmett, what did you put in that milkshake – "

"IS THAT WHY ROSE CALLS ME HER MONKEY MAN?!" He gasped loudly.

"Emmett, what the hell? This has nothing to do with – "

By the time Edward had said that last sentence, Emmett was out of the kitchen and into the living room, where Rose was creating a clothes line on the computer and Alice and Jasper were watching TV, Alice multitasking by helping Rosalie as well.

Edward slapped his hand against his forehead, throwing the banana and the bagel into the bin before listening to their conversation.

"Rose, why do you call me your monkey man?"

"Because you are strong, and I love men like that. Why do-"

"Well, Edward said that my thing was a banana. Do you like bananas?"

"I do, but Emmett, what are you on – HOLY CRAP, PUT THAT THING AWAY!"

Jasper sounded shocked "Man, Put them back on, I don't need to see!" while Alice screamed.

I tuned into Emmett's thoughts, laughing at what I saw.

Emmett's pants were around his ankles, Rosalie's face shocked and Emmett thinking about her expression. Alice was repeatedly shouting "EW, EW, EW" and waving her hands repeatedly in the air. Jasper was looking away, laughing quietly in his head while Bella was attempting to cover Renesmee's eyes, but the image was already in burned into her head. Carlisle was busy in his office with Esme – what else could he say? Maybe a better example Edward could have used was them.

He saw Rosalie stand up and drag him upstairs, blushing furiously as he shouted "BUT I THOUGHT YOU LIKED BANANAS!"

Edward, meanwhile, was rolling on the kitchen floor laughing. If he could cry from laughing so much then he probably would be. Bella became curious and walked into the kitchen to stare at Edward as he lay on the floor, literally gasping for air.

"What did you do now?" she questioned in a knowing tone, rolling her eyes.

It took him a while to be able to reply back, but when he was finally ready Edward stood up and walked over to stand beside Bella, taking her hand as he said " Trying to explain something to Emmett."

* * *

_*5 hours later*_

"MOMMA, CAN I GO AND MAKE SANDWICHES?" Renesmee shouted across the house for the 5th time that day. She got hungry very easily because of the rate she was growing and was impatiently waiting for her mom to walk down the stairs and make her something to eat. They were the only people in the house as the other 7 Cullen's were out hunting.

"UMM, SURE THING. ILL BE DOWN IN A FEW SECONDS!" Bella exclaimed, finally hearing her daughters' pleas.

Sighing, Renesmee made her way into the kitchen, collecting all the ingredients and utensils she needed until she got to the bread bin.

After lifting the lid up, the saw a book lying there. Confused, she flicked through it.

_At least there's pictures_ she thought, placing "_The Beginners Guide to Kama Sutra_" beside her and made her sandwiches.

After placing everything in their rightful places, Renesmee took the book, ran into the front living room and hid it under the cushions, just in time for Bella to run down the stairs.

"Did you make your sandwiches?" She asked, running a hand through her hair.

Renesmee nodded, smiling a little until her mom walked away. She immediately took out the book and started reading it.

Bella walked down the hall way, humming happily until she heard Renesmee ask a question she was never expecting.

"Mommy, what's doggy style?"

* * *

**EPIC LULZ. Yes, I think I'm a pretty funny person ;)  
And these will probably be rated M if I decide to continue them on xD**

**I really should have been working on my Kingdom Hearts fanfiction, but I'm kinda stuck on it, fml. I shall be working on it soon though!**

**I don't own any of the characters used in this story, they all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Thanks for reading, and remember to leave Ideas!  
Kitty  
xzx**


	2. Adventure 2: Serenade Battles!

**Due to popular demand (Well, half-popular demand) and people on Skype telling me I "HAD TO WRITE IT NAOOO", here's the next one! :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. If I did, I would re-write these books and add in these Eddie and Emmett moments. I also don't own the "Spin-around-in-black-chair-whilst-stroking-white-cat" movement or the Spongebob Squarepants theme... or even the "We meet again" quote. Yes, this is pretty random.**

**ALSO, I don't own the songs used in this. You will have to guess. And if you **_**do**_** guess them right, then you are made of awesomeness! But I don't wanna spoil anything! Even though the songs are super-mega-foxy-awesome ;)**

**And these one-shots, especially this one, are more than likely gonna be OOC. If you have any complaints, keep them to yourselves. I'm expecting them from the Twilight fandom – you guys are generally more angry if someone doesn't portray a character to their standards (as I know), LOL.**

* * *

_Adventure 2: Serenade Battles!_

"_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own"_

Edward sang along to the guitars tune gracefully, hitting every note perfectly and maybe making it sound better than the original. He smiled happily at his song choice, maybe a little smugly, and was currently imagining his wife's face when he presented her with _this_ – basically Bella's favourite song ever.

He regained his composure, taking a look around the strangely empty living room before strumming the guitar quietly and in a calming matter to make sure none of the strings broke on him.

"_We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone – "_

Suddenly, he was interrupted by a blast of 80's themed music marching down the staircase, as well as a pair of lumbering feet trudging forcefully down, before seeing a strangely dressed Emmett barge into the room, sporting the MC Hammer look and Edward's favourite pair of Ray Bans covering up his eyes, a sly smile appearing at the corner of his face making his dimples deepen.

Emmett reached down and pressed the 'Play' button on the portable CD player that was in his hand, but now sitting to his left on the floor. He took a deep breath, before whipping off the glasses carelessly and throwing them on, and nearly missing, the white leather loveseat situated near the door. Then surprisingly, as if he was actually singing the song, he mouthed, "Stop, HAMMER TIME!"

Edward looked at Emmett incredulously as he replicated all of MC Hammers dance moves, including the Hammer dance, while miming all the words in precision.

"CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" Emmett yelled, beginning to groove like the original again. Edward had enough, and swiftly ran over to the CD player and jammed his finger on the 'Stop' button. Yet this didn't stop Emmett, who was still "dancing" along to the beat. Finally, he looked up 1 minute 30 seconds later, realising that the music had stopped, and turned to look at Edward, who was smoothly attempting to hide his laughter and slight discomfort. He looked at him with puppy dog eyes, begging him quietly to leave and press play while doing that, but Edward shook his head roughly. Emmett glared, snatched his CD player away, and angrily stormed out the room, making sure to 'Slam' the door. Actually, he left it ajar so he could see what 'Eddie boy' was up too.

Sighing, Edward moved towards his guitar, picking it up and beginning to sing along for more practice he felt was needed – especially after being interrupted by that moron.

"_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel–_ "

Again, he was rudely interrupted. But this time, it was a different. Instead of the music, there was a high shrill coming from the gap in the door, the culprit evidently in a fit of giggles. Annoyed and exasperated, Edward marched towards the door and threw it open to find Emmett rolling around the wooden lino in the hallway, high pitched giggles echoing across the quiet house.

After 5 minutes of non-stop noise, Edward realised that this could get Bella curious. She would come down the steps, become curious, expect an answer as to what was happening and He would, without a doubt, blunder it out and ruin his surprise.

_NO!_ He roared angrily in his head. Emmett wasn't about to ruin something again. Not on his watch!

Edward kicked Emmett roughly, making him stop and take deep breaths to regain his composure. After another few minutes, He looked up to see an annoyed Edward standing over him. He gulped, and asked "What?"

Mumbling something unintelligible, Edward began to turn away until he saw Emmett in front of him, making him stop fast.

"How the hell did you do that?!" Edward asked shocked, eyes wide. 3 seconds ago he had been lying on the floor, a little bit in pain after the kick he received, but now he was standing in front of him with that usual, stupid grin plastered on his face.

"Weeeeellllll, I stood up and ran over here. It's not hard, Stupid!" Emmett exasperated, shoving Edward roughly making him move backwards a step.

Mumbling again, Edward began to make his way back to the guitar before being stopped _again_.

He gritted his teeth harshly and looked at the pale white hand holding him there. Reluctantly looking up, he suddenly felt overpowered with lust. Knowing what was going on, he turned around to see Jasper concentrating on them with Alice behind him, covering her mouth in an attempt to silence the giggles threatening to escape from inside her.

Edward ran over to them at vampire speed, glaring at them so harshly that Jasper flinched and Alice shivered a little bit. His glare was enough to warn them to back off, and they quickly jumped up the stairs, 2 steps at a time.

Turning Around for the 3rd time, he noticed that Emmett wasn't there anymore.

_Thank god, he's finally away!_ Edward silently cheered, punching his fist into the air in 'achievement'.

That was, until, he heard a Clanging sound coming from the living room - The source around the sofa where he placed his guitar...

"NOOOO!" He yelled in a half strained scream, beginning to vampire-speed towards Emmett in an attempt to save his precious guitar.

Meanwhile, Emmett was having fun strumming along the guitar with Renesmee by his side. She was doing the kids chorus of the Spongebob Squarepants theme while Emmett was being the Pirate.

"ARE WE READY KIDS?!" He screamed.

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!" Nessie screamed in return, the grin on her face looking like it could never falter.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!"

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH... WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

"ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND BUOYANT IS HE?"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

They both looked at each other, Emmett stopping his 'playing' and expected Renesmee to know the rest – she was doing the same to him. They both compromised by mumbling the rest of the words, apart from the occasional "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!" From Nessie.

Edward was secretly watching in the shadows, sitting on the black leather chair that was able to spin around. When they finished their interpretation of the Theme, he flicked on the spotlight above the chair and spun around, stroking Nessie's toy white cat, Fluffy, with a crooked grin on his face from amusement at their faces.

While they were still shocked, he quoted "We meet again, Mr. Cullen.", got up from the chair which spun slightly to the left and made his way towards his 'brother' and daughter.

"Uh oh!" Emmett hurriedly whispered to Nessie as she looked at him. "Quick, Get out of here! Runnnn!"

Nessie nodded her head, hugged Emmett and ran out of the room. Meanwhile, Emmett was looking up at Edward in fear as Edward was doing the opposite – Trying not to laugh.

He failed.

Emmett looked confused at Edward, who was rolling on the floor laughing. He then realised that he hadn't told him off for using his guitar.

Edward suddenly stood up, wiping his eyes as he thought he was crying from laughter. "Oh yea, thanks for reminding me." He said, beginning to crack his knuckles. Emmett gulped. Maybe he should stop thinking those things...

"Maybe you should." Edward replied partially smug again.

Emmett snapped his head towards him. "Stop. Reading. My. Mind." He growled.

"Dude, that's like saying stop thinking of what you and Rosalie did last night."

Emmett mumbled. _Stupid mind reader,_ he thought, before thinking of the Spongebob Squarepants theme to annoy him.

Edward clenched his fists and moved towards Emmett.

_This can't be good._ Emmett thought, frowning.

"No. It really isn't."

*****  
_A Few Minutes later..._

Emmett squirmed underneath Edward, trying to escape from his grip as he began to tune his guitar.

_Wow, this guy musta eaten too much before being turned..._

"I was dying from Spanish Influenza in 1918, not in the 1980's and being turned while gorging on McDonalds. Now stop being hypocritical, have you seen yourself?" Edward retorted aloud, not even paying attention and just finishing off his tuning and stood up.

Emmett mumbled, and when Edward placed the guitar on the corner sofa, picked it up and started looking at it.

"What were you doing with this trash anyway?" he shouted, about to throw it on the sofa.

Just in time to see what Emmett was about to do, Edward ran over just in time, screaming "MILDRED!" along the way, and began talking to it like he was crazy when he prised it out off his hands.

Emmett looked at him, before taking the guitar slowly away from Edward and setting it calmly on the couch. Edward breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Emmett.

"Who the heck is Mildred?!" Emmett questioned exasperated.

"My guitar of course!"

"...You named your guitar?"

"Duh, who doesn't name their guitars?!"

Emmett stared at Edward. _I don't_, he thought casually.

"Emmett. _You don't own a guitar_." Edward replied.

Emmett looked at Edward again, realising what he said. "What were you doing with 'Mildred' then?"

Edward sat beside the guitar and started stroking the neck. "Oh we were just going over the song I'm serenading to Bella as a surprise." Edward froze when he realised what he said. _Uh oh..._

"What's Serenading? Is it like some celebration dance?"

Edward sighed. _Not this again! The last time I had to explain something to him, I returned from a hunt with Bella yelling in my face because Renesmee found the "Beginners guide to Kama Sutra" when I rented it out from Forks Library!_

"It's where you sing the person you love a song." He replied casually.

"Is it a song about celebration? IS BELLA PREGNANT!?" Emmett screamed the last bit out loud, causing upstairs to be quiet again.

"No Emmett, you idiot, she's not pregnant. Vampires can't get pregnant."

Emmett sighed in understanding. "So, you're just singing to her?"

"Yes..."

"Well, that's not gonna get you anything!"

I literally face palmed myself. "It _does_ if you do it right." Edward stood up and grinned to himself while saying, "It isn't as easy as it sounds, or looks."

Emmett made a sound. "Yea right! It looks really easy!"

Edward turned to stare at him. "Oh really?"

Emmett replied enthusiastically "YEAH!"

"OK Then," Edward started smugly. "I bet I can serenade better than you."

Emmett rolled his eyes mischievously "Yeaaaa, right. We'll have a SERENADE BATTLE!"

Hearing him say that, Edward chuckled a bit. "Right. Whatever. What time is suitable for this to start?"

"Uhmmmm..." Emmett thought about this for a few minutes. "600 hours?"

Edward looked briefly at the clock. 3pm. Now it _really_ looked like he would win.

"So, you only want 3 hours to learn an instrument, learn a song word for word and perform it in front of Rosalie?" he asked sarcastically before adding "And it's said as _6pm_."

"Yep! It won't be a problem."

"Right... I'll leave you then. By the way," Edward managed to start that part of the sentence before Emmett ran up the stairs, "Go and ask Carlisle and Esme if they would like to judge. Not that we need it anyway, of course _I'm_ gonna win."

Emmett rolled his eyes and vampire-speeded _(_**A/N:**_ NEW VERB. =D)_ up 2 flights of stairs towards Carlisle's office. He impatiently knocked on the door repeatedly until he heard a pair of feet scuffing along the floor. It was thrown open, and Carlisle stood there, amber eyes probing Emmett impatiently as Esme walked behind him. _(_**A/N:** _Really OOC. LOL.)_

"Hey Carlizzle!" Emmett shouted across the house. 'Carlizzle' looked at Emmett confused. Since when had he called him that?

"Err... Hey Emmett?" He replied confused.

"HEY! Edward and I are having a serenade contest, and we need you and Esme to judge or whatever."

Carlisle looked at him confused again. "Why doesn't Esme have a weird name?"

"Well, Dad, it's Gangster – " Emmett interrupted on Carlisle by saying "You're too old to understand. But do _you_ think that Esizzle sounds cool? Nu uh. No way. Moving on... You up for judging?"

That being said in about 3 seconds would have confused anyone who had just met Emmett, but Carlisle was used to it. "Uhhh... I guess so?"

"YAAAAY! OK, it's at 6pm in the living room. OK? OK!" And with that, Emmett ran off to his room to begin practising.

"Isn't serenading that singing thing? And it's against Edward?" Carlisle asked Esme, both still looking down the hallway after Emmett.

"Yea... I think it is..." Esme replied in a daze.

Both of them looked at each other before falling into the floor and laughing at what was to come, and what Emmett was wearing as he was still in that MC Hammer gear.

Emmett ran into his room, thinking about this contest thing. _Anything you can do I can do better..._ he hummed in his head to get him in the mood.

Suddenly from downstairs he heard Edward shout "ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO TOO!"

*****  
_3 hours later_

Edward stood in the living room, a smug aura around him as both Bella and Rosalie looked around, confused expressions on their faces. As the grandfather clock rang at 6, Emmett ran into the room, Portable CD player in hand and a smug face in place.

Edward looked at him suspiciously, but before he could voice his thoughts Carlisle stepped in between them and faced the crowd of Jasper, Alice and Renesmee.

"Ladies, Gentlemen and children nicknamed after urban myths, I am proud to host the Cullen Household's first Serenade battle!" he spoke in the voice of a game show host. He had been practising during the 3 hours he had to spare.

There were a few applauses around the room, and some complains from Nessie before Carlisle continued on.

"Now, first up we have Edward! Edward is 106, originally from Chicago and loves... collecting stamps?"

Again, there were a few claps for Edward and some questions from on lookers, apart from Emmett who decided to give a large "BOO!" Edward took a step towards and whispered "I have so won this." And with that, Edward walked over to Bella, a large Grin on his face and knelt down on one knee before starting the song, playing a few warm up strings.

_"We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

_We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel_

_Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden  
That's bursting into life_

_Let's waste time  
Chasing cars  
Around our heads_

_I need your grace  
To remind me  
To find my own_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?_

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden  
That's bursting into life_

_All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes  
They're all I can see_

_I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things  
Will never change for us at all_

_If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me  
And just forget the world?"_

During the Song, Bella became emotional after realising that this was her favourite song. The tears cascaded freely down her face as Edward sang, looking her in the eyes and winking occasionally, making them fall faster.

When he ended, he said "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan Cullen", Bella jumped on him, making him scream "DON'T HURT MILDRED!". After setting 'Mildred' down, he allowed Bella to jump on him again, before giving her a small but sweet kiss. She whispered back "I love you too."

Everyone was clapping and cheering, apart from Emmett who was making retching noises in the background. Edward turned around to face him, waiting for Carlisle to announce Emmett's turn.

"Well, that was magnificent! Next up, we have Emmett! Emmett is *age*, from somewhere in the US and loves... wrestling with bears? What kinda people did I turn?"

While walking away, Carlisle patted Emmett on the shoulder and said "Good luck, kid."

Emmett replied "I don't need it", winked at him and started doing some warm up stretches. Carlisle looked at him strangely and walked away, and everyone began waiting.

After 2 minutes and some impatient coughs, Emmett was finally ready. He pressed the play button and looked at Rosalie.

_"I love your body, not so much I like your mind  
In fact you're boring, pretend not being of my kind  
You keep on talking of some girl that I don't know  
When will you shut up, and when will we go?_"

_You're young, you're free  
Why don't you sleep with me? (x2)_

_Shut up and sleep with me  
Come on, why don't you sleep with me?  
Shut up and sleep with me  
Come on, aha, and sleep with me ... (x6)_

_Don't you listen to those old conventions  
Nor hide or suppress your real intentions  
You're open minded, at least that's what you keep on saying  
When will you shut up and do what you are best in?  
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up ..._

_You're young, you're free  
Why don't you sleep with me? (x2)_

_Shut up and sleep with me  
Come on, why don't you sleep with me?  
Shut up and sleep with me  
Come on, aha, and sleep with me ..."_

Everyone in that room thought it was the weirdest 3 minutes of their life. Apparently, he didn't catch on to the part about _singing_ it. Instead, he was dancing the strangest dances to the weirdest song – weird because it was so inappropriate.

After he was done, he looked hopefully at Rosalie, who looked like she was about to burst. She walked towards him and gave him a massive hug which he returned, then dragged him upstairs while saying "Your wish is my command!"

Everyone was shocked at what happened. Edward looked like he was about to collapse from it if it were possible.

"Wh- Wha- how did that-!" were the only things he could speak.

Carlisle began talking in his show host voice again. "Well ladies and gentlemen, it looks like Emmett has one this one!"

Edward turned towards Carlisle. "How the hell did he win!?"

"Well, he came up with a dance routine, got the best response from the person he was serenading too, and he's given me a Gangster name!" he replied nonchalantly.

Edward mumbled and began to walk upstairs with Bella tailing behind him, endless apologies falling quick and fast that were directed at him.

Renesmee turned to jasper and Alice who were watching the staircase after the two couples walked up them. "What are Momma and Daddy doing?"

Jasper and Alice looked at each other, then back at Renesmee before repeating the process. Jasper mumbled a quick "Be right back" before carrying Alice up the staircase bridal style.

Renesmee, still confused, decided to watch some Spongebob Squarepants on TV, While Carlisle and Esme began to plan the next hunt.

*****  
_Meanwhile, outside the Cullen's living room window..._

There was the click of a button and the snapping of a camcorder screen, before the rustling of a messenger bag opening and closing after the camera went in was heard. A hand went through the dirty blond hair of Mike Newton as he relaxed at not getting caught. It was quiet for a few seconds as he grinned to himself. All you heard throughout the quiet landscape was this:

"THIS IS _SO_ GOING ON YOUTUBE!"

* * *

**...I'M ALIVE! And while I type this, in my holiday home in a place up north. YAY. My goal was to get at least one chapter completed, and I finally did it!**

**It's longer than the other one, so be grateful. And this is probably the most OOC chapter this will get. I hope so anyway. I can smell the hating fans already.**

**Hope you enjoy it! I'm thinking of writing a KH One-shot soon thanks to an idea my brother gave me. Should be another humour one of you like those.**

**(KH = Kingdom Hearts = Video Game of epicness if you didn't know :P)**

**And this is a chapter dedicated to FRUIT AND CHRIS!**

**If you don't know them, I feel for you. They were the ones who gave me the Serenading ideas unintentionally and also told me to write it ASAP. So I did! Hey presto!**

**And if you don't like REALLY REALLY long chapter updates, too bad, Mine range from 2 months plus. O;**

**Thanks to **_**Erinxoxo**_**, **_**melodinami**_**, **_**Fruit Fly**_**, **_**Rougue Assassin**_**, **_**Person**_** (Nice Anon Name ;) ), **_**Steph**_** (Thanks for saying I rock!), **_**FBMC-PatrickFlame**_** and **_**twilighter1632**_** (Who was also **_**twilighter16**_**, you cheeky devil!)! You all reviewed, and are awesome, and yea :D**

**Please Review! I will give you "**_**A Beginners Guide to Kama Sutra**_**"! You know you want it. Even though this chapter wasn't as good as my first one. I swear, second chapters are the worst, and they always get better! :D**

**Kitty  
xzx**


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